Ups and Downs of Life Changes
After over 6 years of working full-time at Chili’s, and well over 10 years of fulltime food service work, I have accepted a position with the Kentucky Department for Libraries and Archives. I’m working as a clerk of sorts in the circulation area, doing a lot of different things with the resources we have here at the State Library in Frankfort. After three weeks, I’m still struggling to wrap my head around this change. I’m not a big fan of changes like this. I hate moving. I hate changing jobs. So much of one’s identity and routine is involved with where you live and what you do.
For me, the hardest part about changing jobs is the self-evaluation which inevitably accompanies such a change. Why am I changing? Why am I needing to change at 33? I was raised in a paradigm where you didn’t change jobs every couple of years to make a little more money. At least in Alabama you didn’t. Upward mobility wasn’t a real issue then, and 401k would have sounded more like an odd radio station than a retirement lifeline. Temps and outsourcing had not yet replaced seniority and pensions. So I feel weird entering a new career field at 33. I know I’ve made stupid decisions that have helped place me where I am now.
Am I really growing, or just changing scenery?
Am I chasing Christ, or feathering my own nest?
Am I serving God, or mammon?
Will I ever be a fulltime minister? Should that even be my goal? Has it been my goal at all, or has it just been a way to make myself feel better about who I am?
Would I better serve the kingdom as a writer/teacher/missionary?
Self-evaluation stinks when you’re not very high on yourself to begin with.
The best part is the opportunity for reorientation. Repentance, to use a biblical word that has been overanalyzed, compartmentalized, spiritualized, and thereby defanged. Last night at Holly Hill, we were discussing the events and people surrounding Jesus’ Gethsemane experience. Gregg Stratton did a great job facilitating the discussion, and one of the points that was discussed was Matthew 27:3. Several translations deal with this prickly passage differently, I think because of interpretational fears. I’ve always heard the comparison between Peter and Judas taught as, “They both betrayed Jesus, but Peter repented and Judas did not.” Not so fast, beloved readers. If metamellomai means something negative here (something other than REAL repentance), then how on earth will we understand the question of the two sons in Matthew 21 or Paul’s grief in 2 Cor 7? Simply put, it cannot. Judas changed his mind, but when he went to the wrong people for forgiveness and they shrugged their shoulders at his desperate need (as most of the priesthood had been doing for years), he gave up and killed himself. Interesting, huh?
Anyway, reorientation. That’s where I’m at. Trying to figure out goals and purposes. Trying to get in on what God is doing here in Frankfort.
Thanks for reading!
in HIS love,